


I see stars

by GalexisSpringbreeze



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stargate Atlantis Setting, F/M, I see stars - Freeform, Inspired by I see stars project, Inspired by Star Atlas Zine, M/M, Minor Character Death, Stargate Atlantis AU, Yuuri is Sad, he needs a hug, mari is the real mvp here, mentions of blood and injury, please love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 11:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13739475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalexisSpringbreeze/pseuds/GalexisSpringbreeze
Summary: They say the most beautiful night sky is seen in the desert.Thousands of glistening diamonds scattered across the dark velvet of the firmament, tempting to reach out and touch them. No lights to distract from the shine, no silhouettes of buildings, mountains or forests, to disrupt and cut into the display laid bare above them.He stares up at the stars, sight hazy from the the blood that is painting dark figures into the cold sand below him, instead of circulating in his veins and keeping him alive, and it’s okay, because he sees them.They are beautiful, but too far away.He wishes that Viccan could see them too, but the cheerful frenchman won’t ever see anything again. His hand went cold long ago, but that is okay, because Yuuris hands are cold too. Everything is cold now, except the pain in his abdomen and in his heart.He stares up at the stars, eyes blurry with unshed tearsThey are beautiful, and he is going to die.But that is okay too.





	I see stars

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the I see stars project, further motivated by Star Atlas Zine. 
> 
> Unfortunately circumstances denied me the possibility of joining either of the projects, but here is (a little late) my piece.

 

He’s five and it’s late in the summer months, when Yuuko decides to explore in the old and cluttered attic of her grandparents house. He tags along, but only because she promised to go with him to the ballet studio down the road, and watch the students go through endless repeats of dance routines.

 

He isn’t afraid of the attic, since he is a big boy already. He is going to school next summer, so he has to protect Yuuko.

 

The attic is dimly lit and stuffy, they can see small dust particles dancing in the golden beam of light that falls through the small and yellowed window. But it’s not scary at all.

 

The first thing they explore is the wooden chest near the entrance. It’s just like a treasure chest, Yuuko says, and she has to know, because her great great great grandpa was a frightening pirate with a peg leg and a parrot. He had his own pirate ship, along with lots of treasure stored in chests just like this. Yuuri knows, too, because Yuukos Grandpa told them often when they visited him.

 

They would gather around his big arm chair, and he would stuff his pipe that smelled of smoke and spices, then he would start like this „Once upon a time, there was a frightening pirate with a peg leg and a parrot, and his very own pirate ship. He had lots and lots of treasure, so much so that it filled his whole ship and he had to sail alone, because there was no space for his crew mates left.“ And Yuukos grandma would come and scold her husband because he smoked inside and told the children silly fairytales, but she would give them cookies and milk and sit down to knit close enough to listen nonetheless.

 

There is no treasure in the chest, but lots of fancy old clothes; large ruffled skirts, blouses embroidered with lace, a captains jacket adorned with shimmering gold thread. Yuuko dons herself with the large and heavy jacket, and declares herself the captain of this mission. Yuuri follows quick and picks a light blue blouse with a high collar and lacy sleeves too long for his arms. The fabric reaches the floor, and he has to pick it up when he stumbles behind Yuuko to the boxes stacked in another corner. There is a hat, with flowers and lace and a veil and it’s so _pretty_ , he doesn’t protest when Yuuko sets it on his head. She beams and promptly declares him her wife. Yuuri flushes red, but doesn’t protest, and opts to flutter his lashes at her like the heroines on TV do instead.

 

They’re looking for the captains hat, when he finds the dusty box, too small for the hat, but he opens it anyways, excited for the secrets it might contains. Inside is a dark tube with a tarnished gold rim. It looks strange and he doesn’t know what it is or what it’s good for, but it’s exciting.

 

It’s a telescope, Yuuko says, the finally discovered hat sitting proudly on her messy locks. „Te-les-cope“ repeats Yuuri after her, the foreign sylables heavy and garbled on his tongue. It’s to see things that are far away, it’s what the seafaring folks need to look for islands and ships. She climbs on a table that is now a great pirate ship, and helps him up too. She takes the tube, removes the cap at the front and raises it to her eyes, her hands twisting it just _so_ , and suddenly it gets longer.

 

Like this, she says, and hands him the tube. Yuuri mimics her, and peers through the lense. He doesn‘t see much in the dark corners, so he turns to the small window but he shrieks and jerks back immediately. A giant spider clings to the wood. But when he looks again it’s gone. Dummy, Yuuko laughs, it’s not that scary. It just looks bigger through the telescope. He looks again in wonder, this time without the telescope, and she is right. The spider is small, the golden light gleaming on the threads of her tiny net. It’s pretty.

 

He wants to get closer. But he doesn’t want to disturb the little animal. He’s content watching from afar, and the telescope helps him to satisfy his curiosity without bothering anyone.

 

A telescope, he decides, is a strange but wonderful thing.

 

 

***

 

He tells Mari about the telescope, and how he wishes to be a man of the sea, so he can look for islands and treasure with it. His sister laughs and ruffles his hair, and tells him there’s more to see with a telescope than just islands and treasures. More exciting things. More beautiful things.

 

Mari takes him outside that one night, sits down in the yard, tiny Yuuri in her lap and bundles them up in a blanket. She shows him the stars & constellations she recognizes, and when she runs out of things to show, she makes them up. Serious at first, but then more and more ridiculously named and Yuuri is giggling and excitedly demanding more. Mari happily indulges the small bundle of joy and innocent smiles in her lap and she tells him stories from far away worlds and beautiful places yet to be discovered, until his eyes are closing, and his head drops.

 

She moves, careful not to wake him, and carries him inside. When she gently lays him down, she can’t help but laugh softly at the way he refuses to let go of her arm, sleepily clutching on it and rubbing his head in her armlet. Slowly, carefully she sits down next to the bed, puts his plush poodle in reach of his arms, and gently strokes his hair. It takes awhile, but eventually she’s able to exchange her arm against the poodle, without waking him up. She pets his head one last time, mumbles a good night and stands up. In the door, she looks back at the small body, smiles when he hides his face away from the light in the dark wool of the plush toy.

 

Silently, she closes the door.

 

 

***

 

 

It’s almost December, and on the day he turns six, he finds a large box in his room. It’s wrapped in dark blue paper and golden stars are patterned all over it. It’s a telescope; „so you can watch the stars“, his parents say and smile, and he was never so excited for the sun to set. Mari ruffles his hair, and drops a book in his lap, and it’s full of stars and planets and constellations. And then, a smaller book, dark cover decorated with a picture of the milky way. The pages are empty. „For your own discoveries.“ she says, and smiles. „Not that they’d be as good as mine.“ she adds, and ruffles his dark hair, satisfied, when she sees the competitive fire flaring up in the large brown eyes.

 

***

 

There is a box on the bed, and an open suitcase on the floor. Books stacked on the small desk, books lining the two shelfs on the wall above, books littered across the messy star adorned covers, shoved aside to make room for the carefully pleated uniform his mother brought him this morning.

 

He gets dressed, and by the time he’s finished most of his stuff is tucked neatly away, the suitcase packed and closed, the box filled, and the rest cleaned away.

 

He’s about to zip up his backpack, just finishing up with the last necessities dug up from the drawers of the nightstand, when his eyes fall on the milky way cover of the book his sister gave to him twelve years ago. It’s wrinkled and crumpled, pages torn and the back is bent. But it‘s filled to the brim with the big, hesitant and messy letters of a child that just learned to write. Page upon page is filled with colorful ink and crayon, pictures drawn and stories written of stars and planets and wonderful and strange unknown places. He stops his fingers flipping through the book, when he reaches the story of the space pirates. A picture spreads across both sides, of a ship searing through the night sky, with him and Yuuko in extravagant outfits, a telescope clutched tightly in picture-Yuuris hand that wasn’t occupied by Yuukos hand.

His fingers trace the sparkly stars she had added with a glitter pen, and the stickers of shiny planets she had gifted him. It had always been Yuukos favourite story in the book.

 

He smiles wistfully at his dreamy and creative younger self. The innocent child dreaming of beautiful far away places and adventures together with his friend, not knowing how different everything would come to be. His lips press together tightly, and he reminds himself that it’s alright, and that he is not bitter about his best friends luck. She deserves to be happy, and if Takeshi is the one to make her laugh and blush and smile giddily, with such _joy…_ then that’s okay.

 

It’s okay when she doesn’t have as much time for him anymore. When she hesitated about the enrollment of the dance classes they wanted to attend together since they were small. It was okay that she went with Takeshi as partner instead, even if the other boy had only attended because he wanted to be close to Yuuko, not because he loved dancing like Yuuri did. He wasn’t even that bad at it in the end.

 

It’s okay that Yuuko chose Takeshi as prom date. He hadn’t really wanted to go anyways. Too many people, too much social interaction. They made him go anyways, and he went with a girl he can’t even remember the name of, spending it watching all the other couples dance the night away and drown the unpleasant feeling in his stomach in cheap sparkling wine and deep swigs from a flask of vodka some of the trouble makers had smuggled in. He isn’t sure how the night ended, but he remembers dancing and kissing the most popular boy at the party. It’s okay.

 

It’s okay that Yuuko cancelled their planned cookie baking and story telling evening with her grandparents, because Takeshi asked her out. He visited them anyways, even though the cookies tasted bittersweet and the apologizing and pitying looks of her grandparents made him uncomfortable.

 

It’s okay she forgot their bff date, even though it was Star Trek night in the cinema, and he got Yuukos favorite sweets to smuggle into the cinema. It‘s okay that she called him only after he spent half an hour in the cold anxiously waiting for her with the tickets. Apologizing because Takeshi had picked her up for a surprise date and there was so much happiness in her voice, even while she said sorry to him.

 

It’s okay that it’s Takeshi who wraps his arms around her when her grandpa dies from a heart attack only days after. It’s okay that Takeshi is the one she chooses to cry her heart out to. It’s okay.

 

It’s okay that she cried of joy when Takeshi proposed to her. It’s okay that they kissed and smiled like nothing could hurt them.

 

It’s okay that she chose him to be her best man. He’s her best friend, isn’t he? He’s always been there for her. Always supporting her. Of course he was her best man. She had a beautiful wedding, and she looked more beautiful than ever, glowing with joy and happiness. It’s okay.

 

It’s better this way. Now she won’t need him anymore, now Takeshi can care for her. She won’t be alone when he leaves, even if he tries to convince himself that that isn’t the exact reason why he is leaving.

 

He glances at the joined hands of their picture selfs. He snaps the book shut.

 

He turns and throws a last glance at his mirror self. The pristine dark blue of the uniform looks good on him. He takes the suitcase and leaves the room. At the door, he stops, and after a second of hesitation, he drops the book into the bin next to his desk. He wont need his childish dreams where he goes.

 

******

 

They say the most beautiful night sky is seen in the desert.

 

Thousands of glistening diamonds scattered across the dark velvet of the firmament, tempting to reach out and touch them. No lights to distract from the shine, no silhouettes of buildings, mountains or forests, to disrupt and cut into the display laid bare above them.

 

He stares up at the stars, sight hazy from the the blood that is painting dark figures into the cold sand below him, instead of circulating in his veins and keeping him alive, and it’s okay, because he sees them.

 

They are beautiful, but too far away.

 

He wishes that Viccan could see them too, but the cheerful frenchman won’t ever see anything again. His hand went cold long ago, but that is okay, because Yuuris hands are cold too. Everything is cold now, except the pain in his abdomen and in his heart.

 

He stares up at the stars, eyes blurry with unshed tears

 

They are beautiful, and he is going to die.

 

 

 

But that is okay too.

 

*****

 

On his first evening in the hospital since he woke up, he had received a small parcel from his home. Inside was the milky way covered book he had thrown out 6 years ago. Nothing but a sticky note was attached to it: „Never stop dreaming. –Mari“

 

He had broken down and cried for the first time since the accident.

 

*****

 

 

Nights in the Antarctic can be beautiful too. Polar lights are breathtaking

 

Unfortunately, you can’t see the stars at all for half a year. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t forced to be. But those were the only two options the military court gave him after the disaster in So Chii, the ambush, his command refusal and the accident, Vicans death because he failed to save him, and almost his own death too; he could be either dishonorably discharged, or he served in McMurdo, the dead end of the military, the place where all the soldiers were sent when they fucked up too much. He would rot in here until he was deemed forgiven, and that could take years, if they didn’t forget about him first.

 

He hoped they‘d forget about him. He hoped everyone would forget him. He never wanted to be a soldier. Hell, he just wanted to fly, to be closer to the stars. He hoped to be accepted for NASA projects, but of course he failed the entrance test. Getting a private pilot license was too expensive so he enrolled in the military, Air Force, to be specific.

 

He shouldn’t have done it. He should have chosen something different, shouldn’t have aimed so high. NASA. What would they even want with him. And the military. As if that was the place for him and his anxiety. What a fool he had been. Well, he was decent at flying, but that didn’t make him special. And it certainly didn’t help him in So Chii. But that was over now too, with his eyes ruined.

 

He deserved what he got. He deserved to rot here. He deserved to be stuck in a snowy and icy hell, far away from the busy everyday life of the outside world. He didn’t mind the quiet, after nights and days filled with the rattling of gun shots, tanks, helicopters and screaming. All the screaming. He didn’t mind all the white as far as his eyes could reach, after the ever present camouflage print, the all surrounding black haze of smoke and the crimson splatters of blood. He didn’t mind the clear air, the clean and fresh smell of ice, after the disgusting mix of smoke, medical alcohol, sweat, tears, gun powder, fuel and machine oil, after the sickly sweet smell of burned flesh, the foul stench of rotting bodies and the metallic tang of blood.

 

It was emptiness after an overload of impressions. It was numbing, spreading the hollowness of his heart until it would swallow him whole.

 

 

… and he hasn’t seen the stars in 4 months.

 

***

 

Hectic buzzing fills the air around him. Scientists, researcher, militaries, technicians, engineers, some seemingly important people in expensive suits, guards, and god knows what else. He shouldn’t be here. He definitely shouldn’t be here. This was very clearly NOT where he should be. He should be in the base, polishing the helicopter, or doing some training, maybe finishing some paperwork, whatever. He should be doing anything that WASN’T being here, in a top secret, clearly multinational base. Under the ice, filled to the brim with strange devices and technologies and with more security and fire power than a fully equipped military base in enemy territory.

 

He didn’t want to hear about aliens and space ships and traveling across the galaxy. (a lie.)

He didn’t want to hear about top secret informations, sounding like they were taken straight from one of the endless sci-fi series he had binged during high school. First with Yuuko and then alone, when he had been overseas and far away from home and longing for a sense of familiarity. He didn’t want to hear about all these things that made warmth coil in his gut, excitement fluttering in his stomach, longing for unknown places, for adventure _aching_ in his chest.

 

He clenched his hands at his side, his fingers burning for the familiar touch of control panels, of the steering shift safely in his grip. The feeling of being completely in control, needing to maintain the control, the rush of adrenaline when he enters the cockpit. The immense calm that fills him as soon as they leave the ground. Reaching as close to the sky as possible.

 

He had taken up flying as a meager compensation, when NASA rejected him. If he couldn’t reach the stars, then he wanted to touch the sky at least. He hadn’t expected to love it as much as he did. But flying was beautiful. It was exhilarating and exciting and so beautiful. He missed it so much.

 

And now, here, where he was supposed to rot away, when he had finally accepted that his dreams, _foolish dreams,_ were over- here he was confronted with everything he loved again. He had to listen to it, had to see it, and then he would have to sign a confidentiality agreement and he would have to pretend he never ever heard of anything that had happened here. He was shown the paradise, the dream, it was dangling right in front of his eyes and he wasn’t allowed to touch it. It would be taken from him and it would make going back to the base so much harder. It would make staying there unbearable.

 

The pleasantly numb feeling that had engulfed him all this time was fading too fast and he couldn’t do anything.

 

***

 

In the end, nothing went as it was supposed to happen. He got a second chance, out of pure coincidence that led him to stumble and discover something that no one expected to find.

 

By sheer luck, as you might want to call it, he became someone with worth to someone with influence. A condition he hadn’t known about before, and that probably wouldn’t have been discovered ever, had he not been there, had he not been trying to be polite, had he not stumbled and accidentally activated a weird technical artifact with his… genes?

 

He didn’t really understand what had happened in that moment, just that his genetic code was apparently special. Later, he was explained to that it wasn’t anything abnormal or strange, that it was just like a gene for black hair, or blue eyes or large feet. It was genetically inheritable and maybe not even that rare. It’s just that it has no influence on the outer appearance or abilities of a person, that it wasn‘t noticeable, unless you’d come in contact with the technology „of the Ancients“. But that was pretty much impossible unless you were part of the SGC (Stargate Center) or were at least involved with it.

 

What was meant to be encouraging, ended up being the exact opposite. He was still the same, nothing changed with his person, but the accident revealed the fact that he coincidentally carried a dominant gene. That probably wasn’t even that rare, that probably thousands of people carried. Was this the reason he’d be able to leave? Just because he had something that they wanted, but hadn’t time to look for yet? He was just an easy way out for them. They could use him as an on/off switch, and would save the resources needed to find another person fitting and willing to do this. Why look for someone else when there is a person right here, already involved with military training and discipline, and most importantly stranded with no perspective for the future? They’d do him favor basically, giving him a possibility to leave.

 

He was being used. Not because of something he accomplished or because of his abilities and qualities. But because of something he had no control over, something he didn’t cause. They didn’t want him. They just wanted this convenient solution. And if they found something better, they could always just return him, right?

 

It was never because of him. He was never enough. He would always be temporary, always be a fill in, always be an emergency solution.

 

Yuuko hadn’t needed him anymore when she found Takeshi. Maybe she hadn’t even wanted him anymore.

 

The NASA didn’t want him.

 

He wasn’t even supposed to fly the helicopter on that day. He was a fill in because the pilot had been held up when their jeep caravan was ambushed. They hadn’t had the time, so they had sent him. It was his fault that Viccan had died that night. Sure, he hadn’t fired the missile that brought the helicopter down. But he was the one that had controlled the helicopter. It was his fault.

 

The SGC just wanted him for his genetic code.

 

No one ever wanted him for himself. But that was okay. He didn’t even want himself.

 

But you know what? Who said he can’t use them as an easy way out too?

 

***

 

It’s a signed contract. The knowledge that he maybe won’t ever see his family again. That he maybe won’t ever see the earth again, or even the milky way.

 

The knowledge that he very well could be dead in a few weeks, days, hours.

 

But nothing holds him here anymore. Nothing that is strong enough to hold him back anymore. His parents are doing good, Mari takes good care of them. Yuuko has children already, triplets that are about to start school. She’s happy.

 

The only friend he made in the military was Viccan, and he died before they could ever become more than shared moments of peace in an unforgiving environment full of fear, cruelty and death.

 

He doesn’t really have to pack. There’s nothing to pack. He’s got the required uniforms and gear packed already. He’s allowed to take one personal object with him.

 

One object to accompany him on a mission behind everything humanly accomplished before. One object to keep him grounded. One object to give him a sense of home.

 

He has no reason to go. But sometimes, having no reason to stay is reason enough.

 

He takes the milky way covered booklet. Three words scrawled in glittery pen on the cover.

 

„I see stars“

 

 

* * *

 

It’s sharp teeth, fast feet, it’s silver flashes of hair and the glint of azure eyes.

 

It’s the golden light of three suns and warm summer rain.

 

It’s sparkling drops of dew on velvety pink flower petals. It’s the sea breeze whipping through unruly strands of hair.

 

It’s sunlight broken into rainbows by clear ice. It’s the screams of birds over the rushing of the sea.

 

It’s lightning and the clean air after a stormy night. It’s sunbeams dancing through twigs and leaves of foreign trees.

 

It’s the sunrise on a sandy beach on a cool winter morning. It’s frost tipped twigs and fresh powdery snow.

 

…

 

It’s the brightest stars on black nothingness.

 

 

He is drowning.

 

It’s beautiful. It’s too much.

 

Yuuris vision is swimming when he comes to, he feels dizzy and too light, too empty. His skin is clammy and he feels sick.

His chest is heaving, he’s gasping for breath, he’s choking on the words, almost forces them out:

 

„What was that?“

 

„My name“

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is not finished yet, it's really more of a prologue, but I'm lacking the motivation on continuing it.... which is kinda disappointing because I havent even introduced Victor or Phichit yet, nor the other characters and the awesome roles I gave them....
> 
> Maybe I can be persuaded with a little love and attention to continue.... or atleast post all the meta i have saved for this AU.
> 
> Come scream at me on twitter, I'm @Ms_Springbreeze
> 
> Also I'm doing writing commissions right now, 5 bucks for up to 1k words.


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